Book Review

On Marriage by Tim Keller it is a short book on marriage. The book is well organized and logically ordered. It starts with the topic of why more people are putting off marriage or getting rid of it altogether, then how to find someone to marry, how to start off your marriage well, how to sustain a marriage, and the ultimate destiny and purpose of your marriage.

Tim Keller lists the following reasons that people are putting off or getting rid of marriage altogether: financial stress, individualism, fear of failure, and sex becoming a cheap commodity. He also gave reasons why these reasons are illegitimate. Traditionally, people actually married to become financially stable. A spouse can help you save money better than friends can. It better to figure out who we are together with someone you love and respect than trying to look for it within “your heart”. Our parents’ failed marriages can help us know what to avoid in our own marriages. Restricting sex to only within marriage elevates it and makes it do what God originally intended it to do.

It is better to meet someone in person than online. But even if you do meet someone online, here are some things that you should look for. If you are a Christian, you should look for a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14). A non-believer will never understand why Christ is so important to you, which means they will never truly understand you. Look for someone who will truly attract you even when they lose their youthful looks. That means character and personality are more important than looks. Finally, get advice from others about your relationship before you proceed to marriage.

To start a marriage well, Tim Keller gives the following advice. Never go to bed angry. It is said that when your brain goes to sleep, it is when it establishes learned patterns. If you go to sleep angry, it will make you more bitter and angry in the marriage. Learn to express what is bothering you without attacking. Learn to sincerely apologize without excusing yourself. And learn how to give and receive forgiveness. Pray together as your last word of the day. You are less likely to be angry if you pray. Make deliberate choices about family life and tradition, and learn each other’s love languages.

In how to sustain a marriage, Tim Keller warns of the danger of good marriages and how we can avoid it. In good marriages, spouses can end up putting all of their hope in the marriage. This puts tremendous pressure on your spouse and your marriage for something that only God can satisfy. This does not mean to love your spouse less, but to increase your love for God.

Finally, Tim Keller gives us the meaning and purpose of marriage. Marriage is a sign that points to the ultimate fulfillment and pleasure we will have with Christ. But right now, in a sense, we are not yet married to Christ, but engaged. We look toward the day when Christ will clothe us with a wedding garment, signifying the cleansing of our sins. In heaven there will be no marriages because we will be married to Christ, but it does not mean the end of love. Love is not a zero-sum game, but it is something that gets greater with more people. C.S. Lewis realized that when one of his friends (Charles) died, Lewis did not get more of the other friend (Ronald). There was something that only Charles could have gotten out of Ronald in the friendship. But now that Charles is dead, Lewis lost something in the friendship with Ronald. Meaning that in heaven, when all believers are in perfect fellowship with each other, we will get more out of each other as well.

I would recommend On Marriage by Tim Keller to anyone who is considering or in the process of becoming married. I believe that it will give a good starting point for anyone to have a practical understanding of marriage, how to find someone, and how to have a successful and meaningful marriage. And since it is a small book, it will not take a lot of time investment to get value out of it.

Book Notes

Why are people putting of marriage or getting rid of it all together?
- Financial Stress
  - Belief that you have to be financially stable before finding and settling down
  - Traditionally, people believed that you married to become financially stable
    - A spouse can help you save money better than friends can
- Individualism
  - Finding “true self” not in relationship with other, but by looking within
    - Moana, “you don’t find who you are through duties and responsibilities but by listening to your heart”
  - But perhaps we are to figure out who we are together with someone we love and respect
- Fear of failure
  - Own parent’s failed marriages
  - Counterintuitively, exposure to bad marriages gives you something to build a good marriage, by not doing what your parents did
  - backing up your commitment with actions is better than divorce. Studies found that marriages that continue gets better (provided that they work on their issues)
- Sex became a cheap commodity
  - Restricting sex to only within marriage elevates it, and makes it do what it is suppose to be
  - Giving someone your body, or giving someone else your body and then having them disappearing is dehumanizing
How to find someone?
- It’s better meet someone in person, than to shop online
- What are we looking for?
  - If you are believer, find a Christian
    - 2 Cor 6:14
  - Look for someone who will still attract you, even when they lose their youthful looks
    - Character, personality
    - 2 Cor 4:16, even when believers gets old, they can still grow more beautiful internally
  - Finally, get advice from others about your relationship before you proceed to marriage
Starting Marriage well
1. Never go to bed angry (Eph 4:26)
  - express what is bothering you without attacking
  - learn to sincerely apologize without excusing yourself nor engaging in self shaming that your spouse just says “forget it”
  - Lean how to give and receive forgiveness
2. Pray together as your last word of the day
3. Give each other sex often
4. Make deliberate choices about family life and tradition
5. Learn each other’s love languages
Sustaining a marriage
- Danger of good marriages: idolatry
  - covenant of works: earning your salvation through works
  - Puts tremendous pressure on your spouse and your marriage
  - How to deal with this? Not to lessen your love for your spouse, but to increase your love for God
  - C.S. Lewis, “you cannot love someone too much, but it’s your small love for God that makes it inordinate”
- Patience for the long journey
  - Gen 2, “helper”, ezer
    - Military reinforcement, someone that comes to give your strength that you don’t have.
      - Not “assistant”
      - But complementary
    - “suitable”, “fit”
      - complementary
      - like two puzzle pieces that fit together, not randomly or the same, but rightly different
    - A husband should also help his wife
      - Eph 5:25-27
    - Sometimes “help” means seeing things differently, learning who you are changing because of those differences
    - Loving someone requires a lot of work because of how “different” they are
- The Joyful Humility only the gospel can give
  - Gen 2:18, “not good for man to be alone”
    - God designed us to also need human relationship.
      - This doesn’t mean relationship with God isn’t supreme, but God also designed us to need human love
  - God is repeatedly spoken of as our bridegroom
    - Jesus’ love for us give us the ability to be humble with long patience for our spouses
  - As we reflect on God’s greatness and love for us, we will not idolize our marriage
The Destiny of Marriage
- The signpost of sex
  - Sex points to the ultimate fulfillment and pleasure we will have with Christ
  - As a wife falls in the arm of her husband, and then a child is born
    - So a Christian who falls in the love of Jesus, results in a transformed life or transformed life of others
- The End of History
  - In a sense we are not yet married to Christ, but engaged
  - God will cloth us with a wedding garment, signifying cleansing/covering of our sins. Presenting our best selves to God
  - End of marriage, but not the end of love
    - Love is not a zero sum game.
    - C.S. Lewis, when one friend died Lewis did not get more of Ronald. Charles’ death means that there were something that he could draw out that was lost